Passages
by Willful Redhead
Summary: Growing up is easier with your brothers at your side - at least that is what Crane and Daniel hope.
1. Chapter 1

_I humbly submit my latest McFadden obsession. It is a journey into the past again. I hope that you enjoy it, and as always I look forward to any reviews and/or comments. :) Thank you to all the reviewers for my past stories. I am greatly enjoying all the stories that have been coming in!_

Daniel McFadden stood on the wide front porch and dreaded even the thought of going inside. He stared down at his worn tennis shoes, tying and untying them in an effort to avoid the inevitable. No doubt his teacher had already called, and Adam already knew about it. He tried not to picture Adam's reaction to the news that he had been in a fight at school. He thought briefly of running away but remembering how frightened Adam had been when Crane had run off last year, he decided against it. If he could stay outside for as long as possible, then he wouldn't have to face Adam.

He never meant to get into fights, and he'd gotten a lot better at avoiding them. He had even talked to a doctor about it, a few years back, and that had really helped. But every now and then his temper still got the best of him. Sometimes a man just had to fight - even if he was only eleven.

Billy Jr. had been a jerk, and at first Daniel had tried to ignore his ridiculous comments. He figured if he were silent long enough, Billy would get the hint and shut up. They stood toe-to-toe in the dust of the playground. Billy was a good two inches taller than Daniel which may have been the start of things, but Daniel could be fierce when angered, and Billy had infuriated him. He found ramming his fists into Billy's doughy form a tremendous comfort. He knew he ought not to fight, but nothing would make him feel better about the things Billy had said, so fighting seemed as good a choice as anything else - and it did bring satisfaction to Daniel, even if it were only temporary.

Hearing the creak of the front door, Daniel dashed around the side of the porch hiding from view. He heard soft footsteps, and thought, _Aw, hell_. Peering around the corner he could see his baby brother Guthrie looking all around.

"Danny." His five year old brother said. "Where are you?"

"I'm right here." He said, stepping out of his hiding place. He was rewarded with a giant grin and a shout of glee from Guthrie.

"Adam says dinner." Guthrie walked over to Daniel and held out his arms. Guthrie was their baby, and spoiled by all of them. He was a sweet kid who had a way of softening even the toughest McFadden brother. Sighing he lifted Guthrie into his arms. _Damn it._ _Adam didn't fight fair._ Resolved to his fate, he carried Guthrie inside.

Once inside, he set Guthrie down and glanced around. The front room was empty, but he could hear voices coming from the kitchen.

"Come on! Dinner's gonna be cold!" Adam called from within the kitchen.

Guthrie ran on unsteady legs, calling out, "Ju Ju!" He often lapsed back to his baby name for Adam who the family had always called Junior. He ran into the kitchen, but Daniel held back hesitant to face his older brother. He hated with all his heart letting Adam down. He stood in the fading light of the front room for as long as possible, avoiding the bright pool of light from the kitchen.

"Quit hiding, Danny. Dinner's on the table." Adam hovered in the doorway. "Come on." He turned and sighing Daniel followed his brother into the kitchen. He sat at the table silently as all his brothers looked on. Daniel looked up at Adam with wide eyes. His brother was tall, dark-haired and serious. He could be really intimidating when he wanted to be. He took his job of raising his brothers pretty seriously. He did not tolerate fighting or cutting class. Daniel sighed wishing that he were as well-behaved as his older brother Crane. Crane almost never got in trouble. He glanced over at Crane who winked at him. He thought of saying something to Crane, as a way to break the tension, but he was distracted by Evan who sat beside him.

"You are doomed, man!" Evan said poking him in the ribs.

"Shut up!" He said instantly furious.

"Seriously, I heard him and Brian talking. You are in BIG trouble, man. It was nice knowing ya."

Daniel turned away from Evan. His little brother was such a pill. He glanced up at Brian who was just setting a plate of burgers on the table. Daniel met Brian's eyes, and his older brother just grinned at him, and shook his head slowly.

"Alright, ladies." Brian said. "Eat up."

Daniel waited expecting Adam to say something during dinner, but he never did. Daniel found he was sweating, and he tried to swallow down his dinner but barely managed a few bites. He started the dinner dreading Adam's lecture and now he longed for it; waiting was worse than any correction Adam could give. He gave up trying to eat or participate in one of the conversations that flew around the table at dinner time. Instead he stared at the window just above the sink and white curtains that hung there. If he closed his eyes, he could easily picture his mother standing at the sink as he helped his father hang the new curtains for her.

***7***

"You didn't eat very much." Adam said to him after dinner. They were all spread out in the livingroom; homework hour. Every night, after dinner, they all had to sit down and do their homework. He tried to concentrate on the math problems in front of him.

"I wasn't hungry." He said softly.

"You probably should put some ice on that eye." Adam told him. "It sure looks like it hurts."

Daniel had been surprised when Billy had actually landed a good solid punch. Daniel's eye hadn't even really hurt the shock of Billy' s success overriding any pain. It had swollen steadily since dinner and now Daniel was plagued by a dull ache.

"Yeah." Daniel said and walked into the kitchen to fill a bag with ice. He prayed Adam wouldn't follow him in, but he did. Brian stood at the sink washing the dishes, and wearing an apron. It was one of their mother's with ruffles along the edges. Normally, something like that would make him laugh.

"I talked to your teacher this afternoon." Adam said sitting down at the table.

"I figured." Daniel said sitting across from him, a bag of ice on his swollen eye.

"I thought you were done with fighting?" Adam asked.

"So did I."

"Danny, is something bugging you?" Brian asked taking off the ruffled apron and sitting next to Adam. "You can talk to us, you know."

"No. He was just being a jerk, and I got mad. I shouldn't of done it. I'm really sorry, Adam. I am."

"I know you are, but your teacher's pretty upset. She thinks you should talk to the school counselor. I think she's overreacting. Boys fight sometimes, but she said that it was unexpected and shocking - whatever that means." Adam sighed.

"Listen, Danny, they'll probably have you talk to the counselor tomorrow. Its nothing to stress out about." Brian said.

"But, if we get into too much trouble at the school, they won't let us stay." Daniel felt panic rising.

"No." Adam said firmly. "That's not true anymore. It's been years. I'm twenty, nearly twenty-one. I'm next of kin, and an adult. They can't do that." Daniel said nothing, regretting the fight twenty times more than he had this afternoon.

"Adam, I'm really sorry. He just . . . he kept saying . . ." Daniel sighed. "I didn't think about what a big deal it would be."

"Danny, it isn't a big deal. Your teacher is just new and wants to be thorough. The worst that could happen is that the school recommends that you talk to someone. So, we got back to Dr. Richards. That wouldn't be horrible. That's it. No one is going to take you boys. No one. It isn't something you have to worry about." When Adam spoke confidently and firmly like that, it made Daniel feel safe, and reminded him of his father.

"Its okay, Danny." Brian added. "Go finish your homework, okay pal."

"Yeah, sure." Daniel said and rising slowly, but as he passed Adam's chair, Adam reached out and gently took his arm.

"Hey, Danny." Adam said looking him in the eye. "You know better than fighting, don't you."

"Yeah."

"So, let's not do it any more, okay?" Adam said and then pulled him close and into a hug. He kissed Danny's forehead. "Stop looking so scared, shrimp. You know you've got extra chores for the rest of week, right?"

"I figured." Danny said. "Thanks, Adam."

"For the extra chores? You are welcome." Adam grinned at him, and impulsively Daniel kissed his cheek before going into the other room.

"Good job, there, Dad." Brian said.

"Don't call me Dad." Adam said. "I just wish it were true." He looked up at his brother.

"It is true. You are twenty. Hell, you'll be twenty-one in three months. They can't just take the boys. I'm nineteen! We got not one, but TWO adults in the house now!"

"Yeah, and it is just one little fight. I wonder what Billy Jr. said to him. He must've been pretty pissed off to hit him like that." Adam said.

***7***

"If anything comes of this, I'm gonna skin Billy Jr." Will said leaning against the porch rail of the McFadden's front porch later that same night. "I love that boy, I do, but he doesn't have the sense God gave a billy goat."

"Don't worry about it." Adam said. "Danny's fine, and he'll talk to the school counselor and that'll be it. The school's over protective of the boys, ever since Crane had that bad time last year. They are afraid they're overlooking something again. So they're being ridiculous about every little thing. Hell, last week, Ford fell and scraped his knee. They called me and Brian in because he was crying and they were worried." Adam shook his head. "I told them, he is seven years old, and his knee hurts - that's why he's crying! His parents being dead has got nothing to do with it."

"I know, but I hate to think we are adding to your troubles. Billy is really sorry too. He usually figures out that he's said the wrong thing, but he just realizes it _after_ he's already said it."

"What did he say?" Brian asked.

"Danny didn't tell you?" Will asked, and both Brian and Adam shook their heads.

"It started out arguing about who was better at football, regular stupid pissing contest crap, but then Billy had to take it too far. He said there was no way that Danny would ever be as good as Billy at football because he was a . . ." Will sighed.

"Go ahead." Adam said.

"He said Danny was a crybaby orphan who had no father to teach him to play ball, and if he did learn how he'd be crying for his mama the second he got hit." Will looked down at the ground. "I'm really sorry, Junior. I'd like to tell you he gets his stupidity from the other side of the family, but it'd be a lie."

"Kids are dumb sometimes." Adam said sighing. "They can be real mean. Poor Danny, no wonder he hit him." He looked up at Will, one of his parents oldest friends. "I'm sorry, Will. He shouldn't have hit Billy in any case."

"I dunno. He sure learned his lesson, this time." Will shook his head. "You let us know how this all plays out, Junior. Me and the missus just feel terrible about the whole thing. Don't be too hard on Danny. He was just sticking up for himself. Anna says Billy will grow out of this, and I pray to God that woman's right."

"Thanks for coming by Will." Adam said.

"Well, you boys belong to this whole town." Will said. "You can count on us."

"We know that." Brian said as they watched him walk down the steps. "Thanks again, Will."

He turned to face Adam. "Jesus, he didn't even tell us. He was willing to take the heat and not say a word about it."

"Yeah." Adam said. "He's a good kid. You go talk to him, Bri. Make sure he knows we aren't mad, huh? He'll listen to you."

Brian nodded, and turned to go inside, but hesitated. "He'll listen to you too, Adam."

"I dunno. I can be kind of hard on him sometimes. I regret it."

"That was three years ago, and you were hurtin' everyone knows that. Especially Danny. Let it go, Junior."

"I better go check on the ewes." Adam said and walked down the steps and out to the barn, alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan and Ford burst from the school bus and ran to the playground as soon as the doors opened. Sighing, Daniel trudged down the steps and into the schoolyard. Murphys was so small that all the kids went to school on the same campus. The only thing that separated the older students from the younger ones, was a rickety fence that divided the property in half. This meant that older students like Crane might have a kindergartner sitting next to them as they rode the bus to high school. He lifted his hand and waved goodbye as Crane crossed through the open gate onto the other side of the campus. He turned and headed toward the playground. He was greeted almost immediately by Billy Jr.

"Hey, Daniel." Billy said. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah." Daniel was surprised by the bruises on Billy's face. Had he really done that? "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It just looks bad. Makes me look kind of tough." Billy smiled. "I'm really sorry I got you in so much trouble."

"I'm really sorry I hit you." Daniel said.

"No, you aren't. I was a jerk." Billy grinned at him. "I would've hit me too." They smiled at each other. "Come on, let's go play handball." They ran together to the wall at the far end of the playground.

Daniel waited all day long to be called out of class. Every time the classroom door opened, he looked up expecting someone to come and get him. He prayed if it were going to happen, it would happen during math. Unfortunately, it was at the end of the day, just as they were lining up for a kickball game.

"Daniel McFadden?" Mr. Zwiger said leaning in the door.

Daniel sighed and followed him out the door.

"I was hoping you'd come to my office and we could talk for a minute." Mr. Zwiger said to Daniel.

"Yeah, sure." Daniel said accepting him doom.

***7***

They hopped off the bus and trudged toward home.

"Did ya get in trouble, Danny?" Ford asked.

"Not really." Daniel said. "How was class?"

"Julia started crying because someone stepped on her picture. She cries every single day! How come they don't call her big brother?" Ford said.

"She doesn't have a big brother." Danny said as Ford reached out to hold on to his hand.

"Who takes care of her then?" Ford asked perplexed.

"Her mom and dad." Danny said.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot. Well, she shouldn't cry so much." Ford said. "We didn't get to go to the library 'cause she was crying too much."

They reached the long driveway that led to the house and they could see Brian in the corral near the barn.

"Brian! Brian!" Evan yelled seeing him. "Look at my spelling test!" He ran to his older brother waving a piece of paper, and Brian hopped the fence and met Evan halfway, lifting him up into his arms.

"Nice going partner! I told you if we practiced, you'd remember!" He set Evan down. "How'd it go today boys?"

"Danny didn't get in trouble." Ford announced. "And Julia's a crybaby."

"Well, thank you for that summary." Brian said smiling. "You okay, Danny?"

"Yeah, sure. Mr. Zwiger just talked to me. You were right. It wasn't any big deal. Crane's coming on the late bus - he said he's staying after to work on that project for science."

"Okay. There's a snack in the kitchen and then it is chores, alright fellas." Brian set Evan down. "You sure you're okay, partner?" He asked Daniel.

"Yeah." Daniel grinned. "I'm fine _Mom_. Mostly it was a pain in the ass."

"Watch it!" Brian said. "You want Ford and Evan talking like that?"

"I'm just talking like my role models." Daniel said and watching Brian face he decided the best thing for him to do was run. He sprinted just out of Brian's reach toward the house.

***7***

Adam collapsed onto the couch. "Geez, I'm tired!" He said looking over at Brian who was sitting across from him, his feet up on the coffee table, a beer in his hand.

"You know why you're tired, don't ya?" Brian asked him.

"Because I got up at five and worked all day long?" Adam said.

"I guess that could be it. I was thinking maybe it was because of the late night partying and going out."

"Yeah, right." Adam said.

"A man can dream." Brian said.

"Not this one. The only dream I have is of sleeping until eight some morning." Adam said.

"You and old man Simpkins have the same dream." Brian laughed.

"I feel older than old man Simpkins." Adam sighed. "Give me that beer."

"So, what did Zwiger say? About Daniel, I mean." Brian asked.

"Oh, he wants to meet with us tomorrow at 4 p.m." Adam said.

"Oh geez." Brian groaned.

"I know. He's new though. And he heard about the last counselor's screw up with Crane, so he's overreacting. Prepare to be showered with pity."

"I'll put on my, I'm-a-sad-orphan tie. I think I have it next to my box of tissues." Brian said.

"Well, look on the bright side, it's a break from being out in the field all afternoon. It's supposed to get really hot tomorrow." Adam rose. "I'm going to bed. I'm beat."

"Yeah." Brian said absently. He stayed where he was first looking out the window, and then he rose and pulled out the family album. He looked at the familiar pictures of his parents. His mother's smiling face, the light glinting off her bright auburn hair. Adam never looked at the pictures and shuddered whenever Brian even suggested it. He stared into the eyes of his father trying to remember the sound of his dad's laugh. _Damn it_. He thought. The stupidest things would set him off and send him spiraling backwards into grief. He sniffed, and closed the photo album. He sat back in the chair remembering being nine years old and riding beside his father out the fields. He was startled awake several hours later by the sound of crying. He glanced at the clock, surprised that it was already 2:16 a.m. He hadn't realized how long he'd been sitting looking at those albums.

Guthrie's crying was like clockwork. He woke up every single night at about the same time. He could hear Adam singing to Guthrie. It was just about the only thing that settled Guthrie back down. He used to call out for their mom which was shattering each night, but now just awoke crying. 2:16 a.m. It was almost always at exactly that time. Neither he nor Adam had ever acknowledged the fact that 2:16 a.m. was the time written on their father's death certificate. He sighed and pushed open the door of the room he shared with Adam, and with Guthrie. He could see Adam sitting with Guthrie, rocking him in the chair that their mother had rocked all of them as babies. The five year old's eyes fluttered open for a brief second as Brian bent and kissed him on his forehead. He lifted him from his brother's arms and laid him back in bed.

"No kicking, pal." He said as he climbed in beside his baby brother. He said it every single night, but Guthrie never seemed to listen. Adam climbed into his bed and clicked out the lamp. Morning chores would come soon enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Adam McFadden shifted uncomfortably as he sat in the plastic chair across from Mr. Zwiger. He glanced at Brian who had just muttered softly, "Poor little orphan boys". He frowned at him.

"Daniel seems to have a well of anger that perhaps might be better dealt with in some sort of formal setting." Mr. Zwiger said.

Adam had to laugh. Zwiger was definitely new at this, and was a little too chicken to out-right suggest therapy. Although, he supposed two country ranchers would be intimidating to a city man like Zwiger. He thought about feigning a deep offense at the suggest, but decided to instead let Zwiger off the hook.

"Daniel went to therapy about a year or so ago. He went for about eight months. It really helped him a lot. I went too, for that matter." He said matter of factly, enjoying Zwiger's look of surprise.

"Oh, well . . ." He was clearly flustered.

"If Daniel needs to go back that's no big deal, but I think this is all an overreaction. Daniel isn't Crane." He said watching as Zwiger began to fidget.

"Oh, well, no one is . . ."

"Everyone is concerned that they are going to miss something again. The school doesn't want any more headlines like last year." Adam felt a little guilty about enjoying the poor man's discomfort. "Danny he hit Billy because he was mad at Billy - not because his parents are dead."

"Oh, I wasn't suggesting . . .Mr. McFadden, I am just trying to do what I think is best for Daniel, and his teacher and I both have some concerns about . . ." Mr. Zwiger began but Brian cut him off.

"That is it." He said angry and Adam reached for his arm giving him a warning look. "Did you ask Dan'l what Billy said?" Zwiger shook his head, embarrassed. "No? He was mean."

"Well, it isn't uncommon for boys to be mean on the playground." Zwiger said.

"And it isn't uncommon for boys to get into fights." Adam said.

"Billy Jr. even admits it was mean. He told Daniel that he doesn't blame him for hitting him, because what he said was so mean. We appreciate you looking out for Daniel and being cautious but sometimes a fight is just a fight."

"I suppose you are right. How about a compromise of sorts? I'll recommend we keep an eye on things and meet again if necessary." Mr. Zwiger said.

"That sounds reasonable." Adam said rising.

"I just want to say . . ." Zwiger said and Adam thought, Here it comes. ". . . you are doing a remarkable job with your brothers. Your parents must be so proud."

"Thanks." Adam said trying not to show how annoyed he was. People were always saying things like that - how brave they were; how noble; how courageous; how proud their folks would be. It annoyed the hell out of him. He wasn't _any_ of those things. Just a year after their parent's deaths there was a whole article in the paper about them - The McFadden Boys - One Year Later. Brian found the whole thing hysterical, and used it to his advantage with the female population. It just pissed Adam off. He didn't like pity. And he especially hated when strangers who had never even met his parents would tell him how they thought his parents felt. Zwiger didn't even his parent's names and here he was telling Adam what they felt; as if he knew. He shook Zwiger's hand and left the room as quickly as possible.

Brian immediately pulled his tie off as they stepped outside. "Stupid waste of time!"

"Got that right, brother." Adam said. "Geez, I hate crap like that! Hey, let's grab Crane. He's about to catch the late bus."

Brian nodded and they walked around the side of the school to where the buses waited. They saw Crane coming out of the science hall.

Crane had grown as tall as Adam and Brian, but weighed a good thirty pounds less. Lanky didn't even begin to describe him. He was unbelievably skinny - especially when you considered how much food he consumed. He remember just last week riding home with Crane from the store with all their groceries. Adam reached into a bag to pull out an empty gallon of milk, and Crane sheepishly admitted he had drank the entire thing on the drive home. Crane had a baby face that made him look younger than seventeen which drove him crazy. As a result, he had announced three days ago he was growing a mustache. So far it had come in somewhat patchy and surprisingly red. Crane was almost always on the late bus. He had been taking extra classes since his freshman year, and as a result he would graduate a year ahead of schedule.

"Hey! What are you guys doing here?" Crane asked.

"Oh, we had a stupid meeting. Want a ride?" Brian asked.

"Hell, yeah!" Crane said tossing his bag into the back of the truck. The three of them climbed in and Adam drove away from the school, loosening his tie as he did.

"Was it about Daniel?" Crane asked.

"Yep, but nothing to worry about." Adam said glancing at Crane.

"They're just being overprotective." Brian said. "They keep calling us in over stupid stuff." He looked out the window.

"Because of me." Crane said looking down.

"Nah, man." Brian said. "Don't . . ." He sighed.

"Crane, it's fine. We talked to the counselor. Danny's not in trouble and I got out of the hot sun for once." He glanced at Crane and reaching over squeezed his knee. "Don't stress out pal."

"Yeah." Crane said but he sounded depressed.

Adam glanced at the side of Crane's face. Crane was such a quiet and steady brother. He'd been just fourteen when their parent's had died, and the quietest of them all about their deaths. He had simply kept going facing his freshman year without his parents at his side. He worked hard both at school and on the ranch; studying to find ways to improve the ranch. He was patient with his little brothers, and Adam often included a thankful prayer that Crane was such a helpful and dependable brother. Which is why they had all been shocked last year when he began to struggle. Adam now knew that he should have realized something was wrong when Crane brought home a D- that need to be signed. His one and only D. At the time, he had just laughed and Brian had said, "Welcome to the club, little brother!" Later, they were sorry they hadn't asked him more about it.

They weren't the only ones to blame either. It turned out that before all the trouble started, Crane had gone to see the school counselor four times, and every single time was told he would be "added to the schedule". The counselor said, "I'm working my way through meeting with all the seniors, so I don't have to meet with underclassmen just now. I'll put you in though, as soon as I can."

Later, after everything was completely sorted out, the school launched a thorough investigation. Not only had Crane gone to see the counselor, he had written an essay about his struggle that no one had bothered to read, and on the day before he disappeared, sending Adam into a frantic nightmare for the next three endless days, he had asked permission to use the phone to call home. He had been sent back to class. At the end of all the newspaper articles, letters to the editor and investigations, the school had apologized and the counselor dismissed. Brian had wanted revenge and to see pretty much every single adult on staff fired, but Adam, just grateful to have Crane back told Brian to let bygones be bygones.

The school had taken a long time to find a replacement for the counselor. It was never easy to convince anyone to come and work in such a small and rural area. It was only recently that Mr. Zwiger had taken over the position. And the school itself had become paranoid about checking in with the McFadden brothers - not wanting to have any more headlines about failing to identify a student who was in trouble. Adam and Brian got calls "just checking in" about once a week.

As they pulled up to the house, Adam watched Crane climb out of truck and trudge up the steps. He was a portrait of worry and shame. If Adam had learned one thing from the whole horrible experience of last year, it was not to put off checking in on Crane.

"Hey, Crane!" Adam called him back out onto the porch. Crane sighed and dropping his backpack just inside the door, he walked back to Adam.

"Listen, I can see you are stressing out about Daniel, but it isn't your fault and nothing bad has happened. I can't have you all depressed and upset every time we get called into the office. What happened last year, happened, but it's over now. The school screwed up. They really let you down. I let you down. What happened was because of that - not because of you."

"You didn't let me down." Crane said looking up surprised.

"Yeah, I did. I should've noticed you were upset." Adam said.

"You are too hard on yourself, Adam. I wasn't talking and made a point of hiding from you. I guess you are right. It just bugs me that because of what I did, Danny has to get picked on, and you and Brian have to put up with the school calling every ten minutes."

"Oh, well that isn't so bad. Everyone's grades have gone up." Adam grinned. "And no one is going to get away with cutting class. Lighten up, buddy." He reached out and pulled Crane into a hug still amazed that his little brother wasn't little anymore. He released Crane who nodded at him, but still seemed worried.

"It's not just this thing with Danny that has me upset. It is . . ." He sighed.

"What?" Adam asked.

"Wait. I'll get the letter." He disappeared in the door and came back out holding a folded up letter. He handed it to Adam.

"Crane!" Adam said surprised as he read it. "But this is amazing! Why are you upset about this? This is awesome! Brian! Brian!" Adam said going inside the house and into the kitchen where Brian was studying a cookbook with an apron on.

"What?" He asked looking up.

"Adam, I don't want everybody . . ." Crane said. He had followed Adam inside protesting the whole way.

"Read this." Adam said handing the letter to Brian.

Brian looked down at the letter and after he had read it, gave a shout and hugging Crane picked him up off the ground. "Way to go, little brother!" Brian cheered.

"Oh, knock it off." Crane said pushing himself away, but Brian kissed his cheek.

"What's going on?" Daniel asked coming into the room, followed by his younger brothers.

"Crane here just got a very important letter!" Adam said turning to his brothers.

"I don't want . . . Adam can we talk about his first?" Crane asked looking panicked and stepping between Adam and his younger brothers.

Adam looked at Crane's face remembering how troubled he'd looked riding home in the truck. "Yeah, okay." He said. "Look fellas we will talk about it later. You go on and do your chores." They trudged out grumbling.

The three oldest brothers sat down at the kitchen table. "What is it?" Adam asked.

"It doesn't matter what the letter says," Crane said matter of factly. "It is too far. I'm not going."

"Too far? Too far from what? Murphy's? Are you nuts?" Brian said angrily.

"Too far from the ranch." Crane said firmly. "I am not going."

"The hell you aren't!" Brian stood using his height to intimidate.

"Sit down, Brian!" Adam said. "Crane, we should talk about this."

"I'm not going, Adam." Crane said. "I can't."

"Oh, please!" Brian groaned. "You are going if I have to tie you up and drag you there. You hear me? You are going!"

"No, I ain't." Crane said and Adam's eyes grew wide.

"Listen, there's some things I just won't tolerate and bad grammar is one of them." Adam said seriously and Crane shook his head with a grin.

"I'm not going." Crane said again. Adam studied his little brother wondering what was going on in that head of his. He was the smartest kid Adam had ever met. He could go on for hours about math formulas or some new discovery in science. He had started taking the PSAT his sophomore year because he had heard it increased your chances of performing well. Colleges had started contacting him even then. They would get letters every few months. He had been so proud, and so happy too that _finally_ soon there would be a McFadden in college. Looking at Crane now, he wondered why he should be so upset about this letter. Crane never liked to talk about things until he'd really thought them through, and Adam could tell he wasn't ready just yet.

"We can talk about it later, Crane, okay? After homework hour maybe? You think about what you want to say, okay. Go on, you've got chores." Adam said and both he and Brian silently watched him leave.

"Thanks Adam." He said looking back over his shoulder. "I'll think of how to explain, but I am not going."

"He's going!" Brian said angrily as soon as he was sure Crane was out of earshot. "He'd be nuts not to! Did you read that letter? They'll pay for everything!"

"Brian, we can't force him to go! Look, don't forget just because Crane is smart and calm, unlike you, he's still a McFadden. And you ought to know better than anyone no one can make a McFadden do something they don't want to."

Adam tturned away from Brian who muttered to himself, still irate at Crane's stubbornness, and left to go find Daniel, who was no doubt, worried about the meeting with Zwiger. Even as he walked from the house to the barn where Daniel was working, he kept one eye on Crane in the distance. _Parenting is exhausting,_ he thought for the hundredth million time since his parents had driven away in the truck on that hot July night three years ago.


	4. Chapter 4

Daniel looked up from where he was combing out the horses, and saw Adam coming toward the barn. He could tell just by the position of his shoulders that Adam wasn't the least bit stressed out, and exhaled, relaxing.

"Hey, Danny." Adam said reaching out and patting the flank of Ignacio - Crane had named the brown horse when he was going through his Literature of South America phase.

"Am I grounded for the rest of the year?" Daniel asked looking up with a grin.

"Nope, not for this anyway. Is there something else I should know about?" Adam asked.

"Not that you should know about." Daniel grinned at his brother.

"They are just going to "keep an eye on you". So, try not to get in any more fights, huh?"

"I'll give it a shot, but you know, I am related to Brian."

"I noticed. Hey, why didn't you tell us what Billy said?" Adam asked leaning against the wall of the horse stall.

"It didn't really matter. I shouldn't have hit him anyway. 'A man keeps his temper in check.' Isn't that what you always say?" Daniel looked up at Adam, and his older brother reached out to push the bangs out of Daniel's eyes.

"You need a haircut, again." He said. "Yeah, you are right, but Billy was a jerk, Danny. You were right to get angry. You can tell us stuff, you know. If you don't want to talk to me about it, Brian will listen."

"Why wouldn't I want to talk to you about it?" Daniel looked up at Adam surprised.

"I don't know. Sometimes, I'm not as patient as I should be and maybe you'd be . . ."

"Adam!" Daniel said cutting him off. "You know how many times you apologized for that first round up? I was keeping track after a while and it was like 115 when I finally stopped counting. Jesus! You were upset. Your parents had just died! Give yourself a break. I don't ever think of it." Daniel reached out and held onto Adam's arms.

"Don't curse, Daniel." Adam said but he kept his head down, his eyes away from Daniel.

"The only thing I ever think about from that time, was how safe I felt knowing you were gonna take care of things. I sometimes dream about you going over the side of the cliff, and wake up scared - ask Crane, but then I remember that you and Guthrie were okay."

Adam said nothing.

"Adam?" Daniel sighed. "I forgive you, okay? Is that what you need to hear? I said it before. I forgive you, and I don't think there was anything to forgive."

Daniel had looked up to his older brother long before his parent's died. Adam had graduated first in his class, was a star basketball player, and could do any job on the ranch perfectly it seemed. He was tall, strong and good-natured. He put up with his little brothers with a surprising amount of grace and patience. Daniel had hoped to grow up just like him, and was already struggling with the fact that his own height would probably prevent him from mirroring his older brother's basketball career.

Since his parent's deaths, he had come to admire him even more. Even at eleven he could appreciate how close Adam had come to experiencing the freedom of leaving home and being on his own. Daniel had feared, in those first few days, that Adam _would_ leave, and they would all scatter to the wind. But looking at it now, he had come to realize that it was foolish to fear Adam abandoning him; it was not in his nature. Adam was loyal and dependable, and Daniel was confident that as surely as the sun would come up each day, his older brother would be there for him; always.

"Adam?" He asked again. "Alright, then. Thanks for telling me about the meeting. I was kind of worried about it. I promise I'll try and behave." He turned back to the horse and crossing to the other side so that Ignacio was between them, he went back to work. He didn't look up at Adam who hadn't really moved.

Finally, Adam adjusted his hat, and stepped to where Daniel continued working. He reached out and pulled him into a hug, kissing the top of his head.

"You are such a pill." He said, but Daniel knew that wasn't what he was saying at all. Adam released him and walked out of the barn, and Daniel smiled watching him leave. He paused at the doorway and said back over his shoulder. "I'll take you into town tomorrow after school, so we can get that haircut. Guthrie could use a trim too."

***7***

The talk with Crane was postponed for the simple reason that Ford came down with the flu. Instead of talking things out with his brother, Adam spent most of the night cleaning up after Ford, who was absolutely miserable. He couldn't even keep water down at first, and Adam struggled with whether or not to run him into the emergency room. He called Marlene, a good friend of his mothers, apologizing that it was nearly eleven.

"Oh, don't fuss over that, hon. What is his temp?" She asked.

"102. He's just miserable." Adam said.

"That's been going around. Poor little guy! You want me to come over?" She asked.

"Marlene, you guys retired. You are a good three and a half hours away now." Adam said.

"I know where I live, Junior. Sorry, _Adam_." She said catching herself.

"That's okay. You don't think I need to take him in?"

"If his temp gets over 104, or he has trouble breathing. It's probably just a twenty-four hour thing. When he starts feeling better give him dry toast, bananas or rice would probably be okay. And then get lots of water in him. He'll be dehydrated."

"Okay, thanks Marlene. I get nervous when they are sick. I know he's okay, but . . ." He was surprised to find his voice break with emotion.

"That's okay, Adam. It's a lot of responsibility. You are doing just fine. You were smart to call."

"Mom was always so confident." He sighed. "She always knew just what to do."

"Your mom was one in a million, Junior. She was a great, great lady and a good friend. We all miss her. We miss both of them. You call me anytime, okay, hon? Even if it is three in the morning, okay?"

"Yes ma'am." Adam said. "Thanks so much Marlene. I really appreciate it."

"I know you do, but I sure am grateful to you. Keeping in touch with you boys makes it feel like she's still here with me." Marlene said. "Give Ford a kiss from me, okay?"

"I will." Adam felt better after he hung up the phone. Marlene had been so helpful in the first days after their parent's deaths. She had watched Guthrie anytime that Adam had needed her. She and her husband Mike had turned their ranch over to their son and his wife, just a few months ago, and had moved away to a small town just outside of Sacramento. They all missed them, and Marlene generally called about once a week to check up on them. It was the closest Adam had to having someone to help him raise his brothers. Times like now, when one of them was sick or hurt, he felt completely incompetent and unprepared.

"Junior?" Ford said lapsing back to the old family name. "Can I have some water? I'm so thirsty."

"Okay, buddy, but let's keep that bowl right by you, just in case." He helped Ford sit up and let him take a small sip of water. Maybe it would stay down this time. He certainly hoped so. He glanced at the clock. It was 11:15 p.m. on a Thursday night. He wondered what the average twenty year old was doing. He was pretty sure it wasn't sitting up with a sick eight year old. He sighed and brushed the hair off Ford's forehead as he lay back down on the bed closing his eyes. He looked so small. He pulled the covers up under his chin and straightened the pillows finding a small pink handkerchief clutched in Ford's hands. It was their mothers. He smoothed out the wrinkles and put it back in Ford's fingers, who clutched it tightly finding comfort in it even as he slept.


	5. Chapter 5

Adam walked from the front porch to the truck with Shannon just a step behind him. He glanced back and smiled looking at her long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She was wearing jeans and a sweater, which surprised him. She usually dressed up. He opened the door of the truck.

"Why don't we go for a walk first." She said and he sighed knowing exactly what was coming next.

"I'm really sorry about last week. I explained that Guthrie was sick. He gets really fussy when he doesn't feel good and he's sort of attached to me." Adam said trying to salvage things.

"I'm not mad about it." She said stopping and sitting on one of the chairs that sat under the apple tree in her yard.

"Still, I am sorry. I hate breaking a date with you."

"Listen, Adam. I don't think this is going to work out. I'm really sorry." She looked up at him with wide blue eyes.

"Yeah. Okay." He said and sighing sat in the chair across from her.

"It isn't you. I like being around you. It's just . . ." She leaned forward reaching for his hand but he pulled it away. She sat back again. "I'm nineteen. I just want to have some fun, you know? Your life is pretty complicated."

"Yeah." He agreed duly.

"I mean, I have almost saved enough for school, so I'll be leaving next fall anyway, and I'm young, you know?"

"You are six months younger than me." He met her eyes.

"Yeah, but you are a million years older, Adam."

"Not by choice." He rose. "Alright then. Well, thanks. I'll see you around, I guess." He turned to walk back to the truck; alone.

"Hey!" She said following after him. "We could still hang out tonight, if you want. I just wanted to be sure you understood first."

"Nah." He said hesitating at the door of the truck. "I should be home anyway. Crane's been upset about something, and Ford had the flu last night. He's lots better, but the boys like me to be around when they're sick."

"Oh. Well, some other time." She smiled at him, and he looked away. She was damn pretty.

"Yeah." He started the motor and as he drove away he could still see her in his rearview mirror standing in the yard watching him go.

He got about half-way home and pulled over to the side of the road. If he showed up at home right this second, everyone would ask him why he was back so quickly. He didn't want to talk about it. He climbed out of the truck, having pulled off near the edge of the woods, and walked out into the trees. He walked a good half mile before sitting down on a fallen tree trunk.

This part of his life sucked. He had a girlfriend when his parents had died. Elizabeth. They weren't really all that serious and he had planned to break up with her before he left for school. She would be going to school in New York, and the idea of a long-distance relationship seemed ridiculous. Then after the funeral, he wanted to hang onto something that made him normal, and Liz had gone along with it - mostly out of pity. She had been gone four weeks when he finally admitted that they weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. It was only recently that he had made time to pursue a romantic life again. He'd gone out with a few local girls and then had met Shannon. They had six dates, and he was starting to think more seriously about her. She'd even come to dinner with his brothers, which was no small undertaking. They boys had tried to behave, but they were not used to a girl being around.

It always came back to the same thing: _You are really nice. I like you. I'm just not interested in raising six boys._ He sighed. He had come to realize that he was going to have to bury his dreams of a love life alongside his parents. He tried to accept it, but it was difficult. His parents had loved each other deeply and being raised around two people in love made you want a love of your own. And he did, but it was just another dream of his that he would have to set aside, just as he had set aside his dreams of going to school. He looked down at the ground and remembered the card he had brought to give to Shannon. He ran back to truck and found it. He turned back to the woods, and carefully dug a hole in the ground and buried it. He stood looking at the small mound of dirt. _There_, he thought, _that is over and done with_. He got back in the truck and drove home resigned to his fate. _ I will be forever alone_.

***7***

"Alright," Brian said. "The babies are asleep. Adam has returned to us mysteriously early - little woman trouble, big brother?" Adam shook his head. "Alright then Crane, explain to me why you are going to turn down a FULL RIDE to Davis like some kind of idiot."

"Brian." Adam said. "Don't be a jerk. You're gonna intimidate the kid, and he won't be able to talk. Take it down a notch, huh."

"Alright. Whatever, _Dad_." Brian said irritated.

"Go ahead, Crane." Adam said ignoring Brian.

"I'm only seventeen. I can go to college later. I don't need to go now." Crane began weakly.

"Seriously, you have two days to think about this, and that's your strongest argument?" Brian said shocked.

"No. You are making me nervous, Brian." Crane said, and Adam looked at him surprised. It wasn't like him to be so assertive.

"Oh. Sorry." Brian generally backed down when directly confronted.

"You don't want to go?" Adam asked. "Or are you just afraid?"

"I can't go." Crane said. "If I were to go, who would walk Guthrie to the bus stop? Who will help Daniel with his math? You need me during round up. You need me here. I can't go off to school. It is ridiculous. I have responsibilities. Who would balance the checkbook? Do you even know where the checkbook is?"

"That's it?" Adam asked surprised. "You can't go because you need to walk Guthrie to the bus stop? This is your big argument? I'm with Brian, that has to be the most pathetic argument I have ever heard. You are supposed to be super smart. Colleges send us letters about it all the time. UC Davis wants to pay you to go to their school! And your best argument is that you need to walk your little brother to a damn bus stop?" He stared at his little brother. "Come on, what's really going on? Are you scared to leave? I would be. I was." Adam moved to sit beside Crane.

"It's really far." Crane said softly. "I've never been anywhere - since they died, I haven't left Murphys."

Adam realized it was true. None of them had gone anywhere. There was the ranch, school and Murphys, and nothing else.

"Yeah, but it is just for school. You can come home for the holidays, and the summer. It isn't forever." Adam said gently.

"Everyone else will be normal." Crane said. "I'll be younger than everyone, and I'm not like other kids."

"What are you talking about?" Brian asked. "You are normal. Who says you aren't normal?"

"I'm normal?" Crane turned toward his big brother. "Really? I read an encyclopedia for fun. I solve math formulas because it makes me laugh to figure them out - seriously. And I live with six brothers and no parents. I haven't been to the movies in four years, and don't watch tv. The only music I listen to is music Daniel and I make. I'm just your average American teenager."

"So you are scared." Adam repeated.

"Yeah." Crane admitted. "I'm terrified. And how can I go? Seriously how?"

"Well, we'd have to drive there - it would be too far to walk." Brian said.

"Brian!" Crane said frustrated. "You stay here, and I go off and have a life? Really?"

"So you are afraid and you feel guilty." Adam said.

"Yes! Jesus, Adam! What's wrong with you? Don't you ever get pissed off that you are stuck here? Did Shannon tell you she'd rather not be a mom at nineteen? Is that why you came back early? She said no thanks, didn't she? Just like Liz - just like all the others! You are stuck here forever! Aren't you angry? Guthrie is five years old! When he is eighteen you will be thirty-three years old! Are you going to leave then? Will you be a freshman in college _then_? You _never_ wanted to stay on the ranch. You told Dad that!" He stood up and his brothers were shocked by his anger. "I AM NOT GOING!" He stormed out of the room and up the stairs.

Brian and Adam sat in stunned silence. Brian glanced over at Adam. He hadn't really thought about how difficult Adam's life really was. He knew that they were both sort of stuck taking care of things, but he had more freedom than Adam. He went out more often, and had even taken a weekend away - hanging out with his friends from time to time. Adam never did.

"Adam . . ." Brian began.

"Shut up." Adam said cutting him off. "I don't want to talk about it." He rose. "I'll be back." He walked out the front door. "Make sure and sing to Guthrie, Bri. Nothing else will calm him down. I know you don't like to sing that song because it makes you think of Mom too much, but nothing else works, so suck it up, and sing it - just for Guthrie." He paused at the door, and leaving his father's hat behind, he went out into the darkness of the night.


	6. Chapter 6

_One year earlier . . . _

Crane rolled over in bed, wishing he could stay where he was with his eyes closed. It was only when he was asleep that he was at peace, but lately he couldn't ever really sleep. Every waking moment of every day was a cruel reminder of all that he had lost. As soon as got out of his bed, as soon as he left his bedroom, the responsibilities would come crashing back down on him. How he longed to just roll over and ignore it all.

He rose and dressed, and walked down the hall to wake his younger brothers.

"Come on Ford, time to get up. Evan! Good morning." He forced himself to sound cheerful. They moaned and pulled the covers over their heads. He fought a rising tide of rage. He wanted to yell at them in frustration, and a wave of guilt washed over him as he looked at their faces. They were so small still - just babies really.

"Come on! Wakey, wakey! It is a new day. Let's get moving, boys!" The more anger he felt, the more cheerful his greeting. They finally crawled out of bed, and confident they would soon be dressed he went downstairs.

"Morning Crane." Adam said. "I'm gonna need you to pick Guthrie up from preschool today. And could you stop in and pick up some apple juice. We are almost out and I don't want to make a special trip."

"Sure." Crane said duly.

"You okay?" Adam asked, and Crane knew he had forgotten to be careful. Ever since that stupid D-, Adam had been watching him.

"Sleepy." Crane said and went out to tackle morning chores.

***7***

"Why do you want to take an extra class?" Mr. Gibbons asked him.

"I want to graduate early. If I can start on the class during Christmas break, I will be able to finish it along with all the rest of my classes. Between that and summer school, I will be one whole semester ahead. If I keep it up, I can finish in three years instead of four."

"Yes. I understand the plan. You wrote it all up beautifully. He indicated the paper in front of him. But my question is why? Why do you want to graduate early?" The older man studied him. The boy was horribly thin and looked rumpled - like someone who hadn't slept well.

"Is it a bad thing?" Crane asked him.

"Did I indicate that? I don't think I did. You are avoiding the question. That is very interesting." Mr. Gibbons rubbed his chin. "Crane, are you doing alright? Mr. Anders said you earned a D- on one of his essays. That hardly seems like you. What is going on?"

"You ended your sentence with a preposition." Crane said numbly.

"What?" Mr. Gibbons asked shocked.

"You are an English teacher, and you ended your sentence with a preposition." Crane said looking his teacher straight in the eye. Gibbons said nothing. "So, will you let me take the extra class or not?"

"I'll have the syllabus ready for you next week." Mr. Gibbons said and I'm recommending you meet with Mr. Dennis as soon as possible.

"I already tried to set up an appointment with him. He is meeting with seniors. His schedule is full." Crane turned to leave, but remembered his manners at the last minute. "Thank you, sir."

Mr. Gibbons stood at the doorway and watched Crane walk down the empty hallway. He made a mental note to be sure and speak with Mr. Dennis about him, but just as he reached for the phone, he received an incoming call. His wife was in labor! He rushed out of the school leaving all thoughts of Crane McFadden behind.

***7***

"How was preschool?" Crane asked his baby brother who reached for his hand.

"We blew bubbles!" Guthrie said jumping up and down. "Can we blow bubbles at home?"

"I've got homework, and chores." Crane said.

"I'm hungry." Guthrie said.

"Wait til we get home." Crane helped Guthrie up into the bus and sat with him near the middle. It was as the bus rolled out of town and passed the store that he remembered the apple juice. Sighing, he reached in his backpack to try and get a little reading done as the bus rolled toward home.

"Crane. Crane. Crane. Crane!" Guthrie said.

"What?" Crane asked, irritation leaking into his voice.

"Tell me a story!" Guthrie demanded.

"I'm trying to read, Guth."

"I'm hungry!" Guthrie said.

"You can eat when we get home. Now be quiet. Look at your picture book and let me read!"

Crane turned back to his homework, knowing that in about five minutes he would have the exact same conversation with Guthrie, again. He turned to look out the window of the bus. The fog had already rolled in and the entire world looked grey.

***7***

"You forgot it? It was the one thing I asked you to do!" Adam said irritated.

_One thing!_ Crane thought. _ Yeah, except take care of my brothers, get good grades, do my chores and never, ever fall apart._

"I'm sorry." He looked up at his older brother, and felt a wave of tremendous shame. Adam never complained. He didn't forget stuff. He took care of everyone, and Crane had never once heard him say that he was angry his life had turned out the way it had. He never saw Adam stagger under the weight of responsibility. Sometimes, when he woke up in the morning, it felt like all his responsibilities were a weight pressing him flat - preventing him from even climbing out of bed.

"It's fine. I can go pick it up tomorrow." Adam said and turned back to the kitchen.

Crane went upstairs to his room and turned to his homework. Daniel was in there room playing his guitar. He had gotten a lot better over time, but was still learning.

"Hey Crane, what's an F7? I don't remember. Can you show me?" Daniel asked.

"Later. I'm trying to get this work done, okay."

"It'll just take a second. I keep getting my chords mixed up. Can you just show me?" His younger brother repeated.

He and Danny had always gotten along really well. Daniel seemed to understand him when no one else did, but lately it seemed that Daniel just bugged him. It was something else to feel guilty about. Like right now, all he really wanted to do was take Daniel's guitar and smash it to bits. Instead, he sighed and showed Daniel the chord.

"Oh! That's right. Geez! I always forget the easy ones. Thanks Crane." He smiled at his older brother, and then returned to strumming.

"I'm gonna do my homework downstairs." Crane said and gathered his books and headed down the stairs.

"Try and get up! Just try!" Evan shouted.

"Let go!" Ford yelled back.

"No! Work yourself free! Come on! Don't be a baby!" Evan had Ford pinned to the ground and the two boys wrestled frantically.

"Help me, Crane!" Ford called seeing him, but Crane stepped over his brothers and walked out onto the porch. He went around to the side and turned to his English assignment.

_**Write about an event that had a significant impact on your life**_**.**

_Eighteen months ago some idiot decided that he could drive one more hour before sleeping, but he fell asleep at the wheel and smashed his eighteen wheeler into the truck my parents were driving. My mother was killed on impact and they rushed my father to the emergency room, but he died at 2:16 a.m. That's an event that had a pretty significant impact on my life. _

_My life ended at 2:16 a.m._

_I used to wake up in the morning really excited about every day. You never knew what was going to happen. I lived on a ranch with my mom and dad, and my six brothers. There was always something to do, and we were always laughing. My dad was 6 foot 4 with dark brown hair and dark eyes. He was smart, strong, and loving. He had seven sons, but always made you feel like you were the only person in the world when you were with him. He knew each of us really well. He used to bring me books and say, "Hey Crane, I found this in town, and thought you might like it." He acted like he found it on accident but I know he used to go and get them for me on purpose._

_My mom was only 5 foot 4 inches, and looked tiny next to my dad. She had beautiful red hair and was always, always, always, smiling. She was so small, but she was tougher than my dad and probably the only thing on the earth that he was ever afraid of. She was kind and sweet and beautiful and she used to sing to us every single night. I miss the sound of her singing. I can't even think about her because when I do it hurts so badly that I just want to lay right down where I am and cry and cry and cry. _

_Now my life is filled with chores, school, and responsibility. My brothers and I are trying to keep going, and my oldest brother Adam works so hard so that we can all be together. But we all know that at any minute, on any day, they could come in and take us all away. It keeps me awake at night. I can't screw up. I can't screw up. It is a chant inside my brain._

_I love my brothers and hate them all at the same time. They ask me to help them tie their shoes, work out their math problems, show them how to make a lasso, open the peanut butter, find their homework, find their truck or hairbrush. I help them get up, make sure they get to school, help them with their homework, remind them to brush their teeth, tell them to turn out the lights, flush the toilet, put the lid on the toothpaste, say their prayers, clean their room, comb their hair, explain that they cannot wear stripes and plaid at the same time, and remind that no, I'm sorry Mom and Dad are never, ever coming back._

_I feel like I am eighty years old. I am so tired. I want to yell and scream and cry, but I can't screw up. I can't. _

_Instead, I take a big breath in, and help my brothers find their jackets._

_This is how my life has been impacted. I don't want to live it anymore._

_I don't want to die or anything like that. Life is too precious, I know that better than anyone, probably better than you. And death is cruel to all the people you leave behind. I could never do that to my brothers. But I want to go away, maybe up into the hills and just sleep, and sleep and sleep and sleep. I won't have to be kind or patient or brave. I can cry and scream and no one will know and I won't let anyone down._

_Sometimes I feel like I am made of glass and if one more responsibility gets piled on top of me, I will shatter into a million pieces, but I can't screw up. I look at my older brothers. They keep going day after day after day. They don't complain. Adam takes care of us, and I've never seen him yell or scream or complain. He gets mad when we make a mess or do something stupid or dangerous, but I've never heard him say that he hates all the responsibility. I feel so ashamed, and I know if I told him he would be so disappointed._

_I'm leaving soon. It will just be for a little bit. I just need a day. I just need to rest. I love my brothers, I do. I am so grateful to have them and that we are all together, but I can't, I just can't take all the pressure anymore. I can't screw up. If I do they will take us all away._

Crane looked at the paper, shocked at his own words. He thought writing it all down would make him feel better, but it didn't. He started to crumple it up, but didn't. Instead he shoved it into his English folder and went inside to help Guthrie who had been calling to him to read him a story. He picked up the book and read to his baby brother.

***7***

"Adam?" Danny stood at the doorway of Adam and Brian's room watching him help Guthrie into his pajamas.

"Don't try and stall, Dan. It's bedtime, okay?" Adam said without looking up.

"No. It isn't that. Have you talked to Crane?" Adam looked up.

"What? Is something wrong?" Adam asked.

"I don't know. But he never sleeps. He wakes up all the time. I'm kind of worried." Danny came closer to stand beside Adam.

"I'll talk to him, kid. Don't worry. It's probably just some girl or something." He reached out to squeeze Daniel's shoulder. Danny was a sensitive and thoughtful kid, and a bit of a worrier. But something didn't seem right. He waited until all the younger kids were in bed and found Crane bent over his books, just like always.

"Hey, Crane." Adam said.

"What?" Crane asked without looking up from his books.

"You okay, buddy? You seem kind of quiet lately."

"I'm always quiet." Crane replied continue to work on a math problem.

"Yeah, but, you seem kind of tense or something." Adam said.

"I've got a lot of homework. You know from the extra classes and all. It stresses me out, I guess." He lied.

"That's all?" Adam asked unsure.

"What else could there be?" Crane replied.

"Okay. You can talk to me, you know. Me and Brian will listen, you know." He said reaching out and squeezing Crane's hand.

"Yeah, I know." Crane said softly. "I got this work to finish." He said when Adam continued to sit silently watching him.

"Yeah, right." Adam said and he left Crane alone.

After Adam had disappeared upstairs, Crane sat back in his chair and exhaled. He rubbed his forehead, and closed his books. He could feel himself coming apart at the seams.

***7***

It wasn't a clear plan. If he had planned it, he would've packed food and a sleeping bag and a lantern. He didn't do any of those things. He was sitting in class and couldn't hear a word the teacher was saying, and suddenly realized he was asking them to turn in their essays. He hadn't written anything. Without thinking he pulled out the essay he'd written two days ago out on the front porch. He scribbled his name at the top and turned it in, and then taking the bathroom pass walked straight out of class.

He stopped by the counselor's office again, but was told, again, that Mr. Dennis had a full schedule and couldn't talk to anyone. He knew he had to do something so he went to the office.

There were four other students in the office - two who had been in a fight, a girl who was crying about some boy, and one kid who had puked in the middle of algebra.

"What?" The secretary said seeing Crane.

"I need to call home." He said desperately.

"Not now. Later. We are crazy right now." She said without really looking at him.

He didn't plan to walk off campus and didn't even really remember doing it. The next thing he knew he was almost the whole way home. He stopped by the barn and grabbed a blanket, a lantern, and thought about sneaking in the house for some food, but remembered the jar of peanut butter that Danny had left in the barn. He grabbed it and kept on walking. He had no plan, but he just knew he had to get away and so he kept walking. He walked past the corral, the fields the pastures and continued moving forward long after the sky grew grey and dark. He didn't really think about anything at all - not the classes he'd skipped, the chores he'd left undone or Guthrie, Ford and Evan who no doubt had waited and waited and waited for him to walk them to the bus. He didn't think of Danny who would be worried that he was missing or Adam or Brian who would be frantic. He didn't think of anything at all. His legs just kept moving forward, long after dark until finally he collapsed and slept where he was on the ground.


	7. Chapter 7

_One year earlier, continued . . ._

Daniel knew something bad had happened when Marlene and Mike pulled into the driveway. It took them a minute to park because of all the other cars. He had been fighting panic all day long - seeing the sheriff's car and seeing all the people gathered to help had been bad enough. But Mike and Marlene had come all the way here, and Marlene looked scared.

"Danny!" She said and grabbed him into a hug.

"Hey there, buddy!" Mike said squeezing his shoulder, and Daniel wiped his face with the back of his hand and stepping away from them made himself stop crying.

"Hi." He said awkwardly. He was unsure what to say.

"Where's Junior?" Mike asked. He could never remember to call his brother Adam.

"He's talking to the deputy over there." Danny pointed.

"Thanks." Mike said and strode confidently over to where Adam stood with the deputy shaking his head and gesturing with his hands.

"Hungry at all?" Marlene asked.

"Not really." Daniel said and she reached out to take his hand.

"Let's go find the babies, alright. You can be my right hand man." She smiled at him. Sometimes being around Marlene hurt. She was soft and sweet just like Mom, but being with her only reminded you that Mom wasn't ever coming back.

***7***

Brian watched Adam as he spoke with the deputy. It was probably the tenth time they had told the story, and Brian knew if he had to go over it all again, he'd lose it and start swinging. They were wasting time with talk. They should be looking.

Adam had become unstrung when Crane had come home yesterday afternoon. He was concerned when the little guys said he hadn't met them to walk them to the bus like he usually did. But he thought maybe, with all the stresses of his classes he had simply forgotten, but he'd had a sinking feeling in his gut. When Crane hadn't climbed off the late bus - which Adam had gone to meet. He knew something was wrong. He drove with his foot pressed against the gas to the school. It was nearly 4:30 then and most everyone was gone. Crane was nowhere to be found. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen him, which is when he'd learned that Crane had walked out of his second period class, and hadn't been seen for the rest of the day.

He drove to the principal's house then. The beauty of a small town was that when trouble came you could easily find people. Unfortunately, he had no answers for Adam, and suggested that maybe Crane was off somewhere with friends and had lost track of time. It was then, standing on the front porch of the principal's house that Adam realized Crane never hung out with friends - not anymore.

He went straight to the sheriff's office then.

"I think you are overreacting, Adam." Sheriff Billings, who was new said calmly. "Your brother is probably just out with friends."

"No. Crane doesn't do that. He goes to school and he comes home - always. I'm telling you something is wrong. Where's Jack?" Adam was irritated. He didn't have time to explain things to a newcomer.

"He's out checking on something. Look, give me a description of your brother and . . ."

"Everyone around here knows what Crane looks like. You tell people Crane is missing and they'll know just who to look for. Tell Jack I'm looking for him. Is he over at Mrs. Randall's again?"

"I'm not at liberty to . . ." Sheriff Billings began.

"Fine. Whatever. I'll find him." Adam stormed out.

When darkness fell, the sheriff had changed his mind. He drove up to the ranch just catching Adam coming back from searching the fields and pastures. Jack was at his side, and Adam got the feeling that the new sheriff had got an earful from his deputy.

"A bunch of folks are headed over to see if they can help. We got lanterns and searchlights. We probably won't be able to cover too much ground at night. One of the reporters from over in Sonora is my wife's cousin, so I called in a favor. She's coming to interview you. She needs a good picture of Crane." He said by way of apology.

"Brian." Adam said turning to his brother.

"Yeah. I'll get his school picture." Brian ran up the steps of the house where Daniel and the little guys all stood watching. Seeing Adam, Guthrie ran down the steps and held out his arms to be lifted up.

"Ju ju!" Guthrie said. "Where is Crane?"

"I don't know buddy." Adam said picking him up and kissing his little brother on the forehead. "We'll find him."

"He was gonna read to me." Guthrie said in his pitched baby voice.

"Danny'll read to you if you ask him." Adam said.

"No, Ju!"

"I can't right now, little man. I gotta find Crane." He kissed Guthrie who pouted and set him down. "Go to Danny. I'll be here later."

He turned back to the sheriff. "We searched all of our property, so he isn't anywhere around here. There's a lantern missing from the barn, we think, but it might've got broken. We can't remember." He ran a hand through his dark hair. "I don't know. He's been so quiet lately. I should've . . ."

"Why don't you sit down, Adam." Jack said. "You look beat up. Crane probably just ran off. Maybe some girl broke his heart or knowing him, he did badly on a test. There's no sign of any else happened. We just got to wait and see." He put a hand on Adam's shoulder as he sat heavily on the front steps of the house. Looking to his left, he could see where his father had carved his and his mother's initials near the base of the steps. He wished more than anything they were here right now.

***7***

Brian stood in front of Adam and handed him a hot cup of coffee. "The boys are all asleep in our room. Marlene and Mike are on their way. The pastor called them, and then she called here."

"That will help." Adam said numbly.

"You going back out?" Brian asked. It was three in the morning.

"Too foggy. We are waiting for daybreak." Adam sighed. "We been doing okay, haven't we? I'm not screwing everything up am I?" He looked at Brian with wide frightened eyes. "I know we all miss mom and dad, but I have been trying really hard to keep track of everything. I should've made him talk to me. I knew he was upset, but he said it was just school, you know. I was so dumb!"

"Whoa! Easy, big brother." Brian said taking Adam by the arm and guiding him over to a bench on the porch. "Sit down, man. Sit down."

Adam sat and setting the coffee cup on the ground beside him, put his head in hands.

"I'm no good at this Bri! I got no business trying to raise them all. I'm a kid. I can't even tell if my own brother is falling apart!"

"Hey, come on now! We are gonna find Crane. It is going to be alright. He's probably just upset that he got a B+ or something. You know Crane. He's really hard on himself!" He sat beside Adam and put an arm around him. "Come on. You are doing a great job. You are. The little guys are all doing just fine. Give yourself a break man! Everything is going to be alright."

"How can you say that? How can you know?" Adam asked looking at Brian.

"I just do. Crane's a good guy. Maybe he's just having a tough time right now. It happens to all of us. Remember last month when I started bawling right in the middle of dinner like I was two years old? It was so stupid! Those damn, biscuits! I couldn't get them to taste the way mom made 'em for anything and then I just started to cry!"

"It wasn't stupid." Adam said gently.

"We all fall apart." Brian said. "But we get through it together. Just like this. We'll find Crane and we'll help him through it, okay?" Wiping tears from his face, Adam nodded and leaned into Brian who kissed the top of his head.

"Thanks Dad." Adam said with a sad grin.

"Shut up, Junior." Brian said.

***7***

It was on the third day that someone brought them the essay that Crane had written. Adam could barely read it. Every word of it brought him a searing and familiar pain. _Poor kid_. Adam thought. _I know just how you feel_. They narrowed the search then, heading high up into the mountains. They paired off in teams of two. He and Brian hiking northwest together. They ran into a group of hikers on vacation late in the afternoon, who said they'd seen smoke on the ridge just north of them. It took until nightfall to climb to the top, and by then it was too dark to continue. They waited the dawn together after radioing in and letting everyone know where they were. The search planes had already circled the area they were in, and the search and rescue team was doubtful that Crane was near them, but they stayed anyway.

"I just got a feeling in my gut." Brian said.

It was late the next morning that Adam found him at last. He and Brian had split up trying to cover more ground, and Adam came upon a small cave with smoke near the entrance. And there he was; Crane. Skinny and dirty, and hungry. Seeing him Adam had been overwhelmed with a wave of joy and anger that crashed to gather like a violent storm at sea. The anger won out at first.

"Crane! Damn it! Where the hell have you been? What were you thinking? I've been looking and looking! We got everyone in the whole damn town looking for you! Little old ladies from here to Fresno are lighting candles and praying for your return! What the hell were you thinking?"

He felt stupid and soon as he said it. All he wanted to do was put his arms around his brother and kiss him. He was so glad to see his skinny little brother, but all he could do in the moment was yell. His hands shook and his heart hammered in his chest.

Crane looked miserable. "Adam, I'm so sorry. I . . ."

"No!" Adam said letting go of the anger, and allowing himself to admit the weight and pain of it all for just once. "No. I'm sorry. I asked you to do all those things, and never asked you how you felt about it. I never bothered to even notice you were falling apart. I'm so sorry Crane. Please, I am so sorry. Say you can forgive me! Forgive me please! Don't run off and leave us! I can't . . . I can't . . .I can't lose anyone else. I am so sorry. I'm trying so hard, I really am, but I am not good at this. I'm not a parent. I'm not. I really, really screwed up, buddy. I really did." Adam began to weep and stunned, Crane put his arms around his older brother who shook from head to toe. They stood together like that for a long, long time with Adam weeping into Crane's shoulder.

Finally, Adam's tears subsided, and kissing Crane's cheek he stepped back and said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm hungry, and ashamed." Crane said looking down. "I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have let you worry. God, I'm sorry, Adam. I am. I just . . .it got to be too much. I miss them so much." Sobs choked his voice. "Everything is so different and sometimes I feel all alone, you know." He looked up at Adam, wiping his nose. "But I have to keep going. They need me, but sometimes I just want to sit down and cry. I want my Dad back. I want Mom. I'm so tired. Aren't you tired, Adam?"

"Oh, God, yes. I am so tired. I am. It is really hard." Adam admitted softly.

"You get sick of it too?" Crane asked surprised.

"Yeah. You think I don't?"

"You never complain. I've never once heard you complain." Crane said. "I feel so guilty sometimes because I get so mad about it - about them and the way they are always needing me. And I feel terrible! Guthrie is so sweet, you know, but sometimes I just want to scream at him to leave me alone! I'm just fifteen, you know?" He sighed and sat down on a rock that was just outside the cave that had been his home since he had walked off campus three days ago.

"I know." Adam said. "I feel the same way too."

"You do?" Crane turned to look at Adam who came and sat beside him.

"Sure, I do." Adam said. He put an arm around Crane who leaned against his shoulder. "I love you Crane. I promise you, we are going to get through this. We are all gonna make it. I swear it."

Crane said nothing, but held onto his older brother and relaxed fully against him, letting go of all the tears he'd held inside for so long.

***7***

Even though they had radioed ahead, Danny didn't really believe it was true until he saw his three older brothers walking toward him. Crane was dirty and his hair a mess. They all three looked terrible, and it reminded him of the time that Adam, Brian, and Crane had all been out in the mud with their bikes. They had returned home filthy.

"Oh, no you don't!" Their mother had said stopping them at the front door.

"Mom!" Adam had protested.

"I just mopped this floor! You aren't coming in here in those clothes! Strip!"

"What?" Brian said looking all around. "You can't be serious!"

"I am! Now strip!" And they had, Daniel had laughed so hard at the sight of his three oldest brothers standing on the front porch in their underwear begging their mother to let them in.

He ran down the steps and threw himself into Crane's arms.

"Crane! Crane! Don't ever run off like that again!" He said and his older brother had held him tightly whispering reassurances.

The little guys came running out then and they were a happy, crying blob of brothers standing in the front yard, while most of Murphys looked on. It was one of the happiest moments of Daniel's life, and he didn't care about anything or anyone; he and his brothers were together and everyone was alright.

Later, they all sat at the table watching Crane eat and eat and eat, the food that Marlene gave him. When he had finally had his fill, he sat at the table falling asleep and kept talking about taking a bath. But eventually, sleep won out and he rested his head on the table. And even though he was sixteen years old, and nearly as tall as his older brothers, Adam and Brian lifted him up and carried him to bed, tucking him in as lovingly and as gently as they did Guthrie. Daniel fell asleep listening to Crane's soft snoring, deeply comforted that his brother was home again. He knew if he opened his eyes, he would see Adam sitting beside Crane, watching over him. He would be there all night.


	8. Chapter 8

Adam stepped out into the dark night, fighting down a million emotions. Crane had an incredible ability to push through all his layers and strike right at the heart of things. It didn't help that Shannon had rejected him not four hours earlier. He stared up into the bright sky looking at all the stars, wishing more than anything, that he could somehow manage a life caring for his brothers _and_ a life for himself. He tried to accept the fact that he had to choose between the two, and he knew he had made the right choice. His brothers needed him, and it was good to be needed.

He had always thought he would hate a life doomed to ranching, but he'd come to love the ranch. And last year, when they had changed from Circle Bar M to Circle Bar 7, his heart had swelled with pride to see their brand. It wasn't just his father's ranch and his father's dream. It was his dream now, and no dream came without a price. So, he was willing to put certain things on hold, or turn away from them forever if need be, as long as he and his brothers could be together. Still, looking up at the bright stars twinkling in the sky, he wondered if somewhere else on this earth a girl was looking up at the same sky wondering if somewhere there wasn't someone wishing for her. _Of all the stupid things. _He thought. _No girl is ever, ever going to want to come here and live this life of endless work._ He remembered the peace he had felt burying that stupid card to Shannon in the earth. _ Let it go, Junior. _ He thought to himself. He heard a crunch of gravel behind him and was not surprised to see Crane walking toward him.

"Hey, Adam. I'm really sorry about blowing up. I kind of hit below the belt." He looked down at his feet.

"It's okay. You didn't say anything that wasn't true." He turned and faced his younger brother. "I used to think we were really different, you and me. You were so damn smart, right from the beginning and you and all those books. Dad was always bringing you books."

Crane nodded. "I have them all still. I can't let any of them go."

"Nah, don't." He studied Crane's face thinking how much he was going to miss seeing him every single day. "But you and I we're a lot alike. We understand the importance of responsibility and all that comes with accepting it."

"They need us." Crane said. "There isn't any other choice. We have to be here and take care of them."

"No." Adam said firmly. "_I_ have to be here and take care of them. _You _ are going to school."

"Adam, I can't." Crane said shocked. He had thought Adam understood.

"No,_ I _can't. _You can_, and should. We could use a man who has some education under his belt. You could study business or agriculture - those things would be helpful to us in the long run. It is my job to stay here, and it is your job to go out there." Adam extended his long arm pointing out into the distance. "I know you are scared, and I know it will be hard. There won't be anyone who is like you. You think there'll be another college freshman who spent the last two and half years helping raise his younger brothers? But you can do it, Crane. You have to do it, and not just for us - you need to do it for yourself."

"But you were supposed to go." Crane said through tears.

"No, I wasn't. It was a plan I had, but plans change. And I'm happy here. I am. I can't imagine being in school now. Can you see me sitting in a classroom squashed in a desk?"

Crane had to smile at the thought of Adam sitting still in a desk taking notes.

"You and me, we make promises, and we make them hard. I made a serious promise to take care of all of you, and I'm keeping it. Even when it means making you do something you don't want to or scares you. Your dreams are important Crane, and this town's too small for you. You are too smart not to go to college." Adam met Crane's eyes.

"Your dreams matter too, Adam." Crane said. "If I've learned anything, it is this: you can't just push all the pain aside and act like it doesn't matter. Giving up your plans for the future causes you pain, and it doesn't mean you broke your promise to admit it."

"No, but it doesn't do any good either." He smiled at Crane and wondered at how thoughtful, intelligent and caring he was. "You are just like her, you know." Crane looked up sharply. "The things you say; the way you can see through things to what really matters - Mom was just like that."

"I'm . . .she was . . ." Crane swallowed down unexpected tears. "She was the best."

"Yeah, and if you don't go to Davis, she would kick my butt and yours too. She'd never put up with all this nonsense." He smiled at Crane and reaching out pulled him close into a hug. "I'll miss you like hell, Crane. No one understands the weight like you, not even Brian, but you gotta go. I have to send you away no matter how much I want to keep you here." He rested his cheek against his younger brother's head. "And I do, you know, I want to keep you here forever, but that wouldn't be right, and you know it."

"I'll make you proud, Adam. I promise it." Crane said firmly.

"You already do, Crane. I'm already proud, and Mom and Dad are too." He kissed his forehead, and hugging him once more, he swallowed the lump in his throat, and said, "Come on! Let's go inside and let Brian think he talked you into it. He could use the boost." Crane grinned at Adam, and they went inside together.

***7***

"Don't go, Crane. Please!" Daniel said clinging tightly to Crane.

"I'll be back at Thanksgiving for a whole week, and I'll write whenever I can. I'm gonna call every Sunday. You can do this, Danny. You can make it through." Crane steeled himself.

"No. No one understands me the way you do! Who's gonna help me with algebra? Brian?"

"Maybe you could ask your teacher for help. Did you ever think of that? DO NOT ask Brian." He grinned at his little brother. "You are going to do great. I need you to keep an eye on Ford, Evan and Guthrie - just while I'm gone. You can manage that."

"I guess." Daniel looked dejected.

"Come on, pal. Cheer up. I'll be back before you know it." He hugged Daniel and kissed his cheek, knowing he'd protest.

"Knock it off, Crane." Daniel said ducking away from him. "Geez, man!" He rubbed his cheek, and groaned.

"I thought you didn't want me to go?" Crane said making kissing sounds.

"Never mind. Get out of here, already." Daniel said pushing him away.

Downstairs he faced his little brothers, kissing and hugging them. "Make sure you two read to Guthrie every day. It is really important." Ford and Evan nodded with solemn faces. He lifted Guthrie into his arms, kissing his baby brother. "Be good, little man. I'll see you really soon." He set him back down and looked at all his brothers standing together in the early morning light. He tried to soak it all in, every detail and every moment. It would have to last him a long, long time.

"Alright," Adam said. "Charlie's mom is going to pick Guthrie and Ford up after school. You boys will sleep at his house. And Evan, you and Daniel will go over to Pete's house. Brian and I will pick you up Sunday afternoon. You all be good and mind your manners."

He turned and walked down the wide steps of the front porch with Brian at his side. Crane followed them down and watched his little brothers turn toward the bus stop. They had started school just last week. He couldn't believe that Daniel was now in junior high. He paused at the bottom of the last step and gazed back at the white house that had been his home.

"Come on!" Brian called. "We've got a long way to go, little brother."

He turned toward the jeep, and climbed in beside his older brothers. "We do, but we'll travel it together for now."

Adam smiled at him, and Brian sighed. "Gonna write a song about it?" He teased Crane.

"Maybe." Crane said laughing.

He turned to look back as they drove out of the driveway and down the road away from the white house, the ranch and Murphys. He didn't know what lay ahead but he knew one thing. His brothers would always be there to help him find his way.


	9. Chapter 9

Daniel McFadden hesitated in the hallway just outside the music room. He glanced down the hallway which led to the gym and the sign up sheets for all the sports teams. All his life he had dreamt of following in Adam and Brian's footsteps, but now that his time had finally come, he realized he had no desire to be their mirror. He was, as his brother Crane had often pointed out, his own man, and while he intended to play baseball in the spring, for now he was content to sign up for band. He knew that he would get a pile of grief from his brothers about being a nerd, but for the first time in his life he didn't care. He wanted to learn the drums and lessons were expensive. Band class was free. He was a practical man and so he turned the handle and stepped into the music room.

"Band?" Brian said later that afternoon as he stood before his two oldest brothers; his heroes. "Not football?"

"Band." Daniel said. He looked up at Adam who stood at the sink washing his hands. He turned off the water and drying his hands on a towel, he turned to face his younger brother.

"Either way, you'll have an excuse to go to the football games, Brian." Adam grinned at his brother. "Danny's his own man and a musician. It makes good sense, buddy. Where's the form? I'll sign it."

Daniel smiled up at Adam. Sometimes, he understood things pretty well.

"Daniel." He said looking at them both. "Not Danny."

Brian nudged Adam in the ribs. "Look who's getting all grown up and confident. Don't over do it, little brother, we're still trying to recover from dropping Crane off at college."

He gave Daniel a gentle push and went back to the stove where he was fixing dinner. "Now that you're all mature, why don't you get yourself a wife, she can cook for us -_Daniel_."

"I'll try and remember it." Adam said handing back the signed form. "But old habits are hard to break."

"Well, give it a shot, _Junior_." Daniel said and raced out of the room before Adam could grab him.

***7***

Crane McFadden found himself all alone in his dorm room on Sunday afternoon. He had no chores, no responsibilities, and as classes hadn't yet started, no homework. He stood in the center of his room completely at a loss. He never once had the strange sensation of nothing to do. His roommate, Allen, had a girlfriend and if the first two days at school were any indication, it appeared he would usually be with her. Crane didn't mind. Allen was a typical northern Californian teenager who had a perfectly normal life. Crane was fascinated by him, but hadn't found much he could relate to. Allen was spoiled and lazy.

He turned and looked at the picture of his brothers that sat next to his bed. They'd be just finishing up afternoon chores and getting ready for dinner. In the evening, they would sing. He sighed and remembered Brian and Adam helping him move into his dorm room. They strode through campus in their boots and cowboy hats, looking like visitors from Mars. A couple of sorority girls had followed all three of them down the hall.

"What's your major?" A beautiful blond asked Adam who was rendered speechless with surprise.

"He's Pre-med." Brian said with a grin.

"What about you?" Her friend asked.

"Oh I'm a dropout. I don't need some piece of paper from The Man. I pave my own road." Both girls turned toward him suddenly no longer interested in Adam.

"That's so deep." The blond said and Brian waggled his eyebrows at his brothers.

"Oh, I think you're gonna like college, little brother!" Brian said later watching the girls disappear down the hall.

"You need anything else?" Adam asked looking around.

"No. I got everything."

"Alright, then." Adam said. "We got a long drive so . . ." He shifted uncomfortably.

"Thanks, Adam." Crane said seriously. "Thanks for everything."

Adam shrugged pulling the rim of his hat down hiding his eyes.

"I'll work hard. And I'll call once a week."

"Have some fun, too, little brother." Brian said squeezing his shoulder. "Meet a pretty girl and take her out."

"Here." Adam said handing him an envelope. "I know all your expenses are covered, but this is in case you want to have some fun or go out. There's a hundred dollars, there so keep it safe until you put it in the bank."

"I don't need it." Crane said pushing the money back into Adam's hand.

"Don't be a jackass, Crane. I worked hard to save it for you." Adam said knowing that guilt was the easiest way to make Crane cooperate.

"Thanks Adam." Crane said taking the money and tucking it into his pocket.

"Alright then," Adam said and stepping closer to Crane he put his hands on his little brother's shoulders and said, "You take care of yourself, Crane. Don't forget how you were raised. I'll miss you." He swallowed down a lump in his throat. "I'll miss you every damn day." He hugged Crane tightly, and then Brian joined the hug too.

"Don't do anything stupid." Brian said through tears. "We can't afford bail money in a fancy city like this."

"I'll try and behave." He said laughing.

"We love you Crane." Adam said. "We are already so proud of you. You do your best and remember that we are brothers no matter what."

"And brothers always stick together first." Brian said echoing the words their mother had told them over and over during their growing up years.

Later, Crane had watched from his window as his two brothers made their way across campus and back to where the jeep was parked. They were easy to spot, Adam's white hat standing out like a beacon. He swallowed down tears watching them until they drove away and out of sight. He turned back to his dorm room and sat down on his bed wondering how he was going to manage a life without his brothers. He glanced at the calendar on the wall, wondering just how many days it was until Thanksgiving.

***7***

"The babies are all tucked in." Brian said sitting down next to Adam on the front porch. He eyed the six pack next to Adam which was already short three beers.

"Hey, I thought the rule was two beers." Brian said.

"There's an amendment to the rule. Two beers, unless you just dropped your brother off at college, than you can drink as much as you want." Adam said.

"As long as you crawl out of bed for chores." Brian said agreeing and lifting a beer from the box.

"Well, this part of parenthood sucks." Adam said.

"We'll add it to the list." Brian agreed.

"Days like today, I feel like I am fifty years old. I'm not even twenty-one! Will bought us this beer! It's ridiculous." Adam took another swig of beer.

"When we finally do have kids, we'll be old pros." Brian said.

"I'm never having kids." Adam said suddenly serious. "There's no way in hell a girl is ever, ever gonna sign up for all this!" He gestured toward the ranch and house. "I'm a bachelor for life. You have kids. I'll be a fantastic uncle."

Brian was surprised by Adam's bitter tone. "Nah, man. You're pretty good looking. Some girl will fall for those dimples." Brian tried to tease his older brother out of his mood.

Adam looked at Brian. "No man, I'll never marry." He said and taking another beer, he went inside.

Brian sat on the porch for a long time, watching the stars come out one by one. It seemed like just a few years ago, he had helped Crane learn to ride his bike.

"_You can do it, Crane. Just remember to pedal really hard. If you stop you fall over." Brian had told him._

"_I don't' think I can do it." Crane looked at the bike doubtfully._

"_If you don't, you can't go on adventures with Junior and me. Come on, Crane, try."_

"_I'll fall." _

"_Maybe, but once you can ride it is like a passage to freedom. Come on, man! You can do this!"_

He remembered the joy he had felt watching as Crane had pedal away, a little wobbly at first, but steadier and faster as he grew confident. It seemed like so much of life was just like that; you start out unsure but keep moving forward until one day you find yourself strong, confident and capable. All you need is a brother, to help you on your way. He smiled to himself and rose determined to help another brother make his own passage to hope.

"Hey Adam! What about that new girl at the feed store?" He said going inside. "She's pretty and I hear she has three brothers and two sisters. She'd be used to a big family! Or what about Julia? She came back home from college and she's . . ." He sat down on the couch next to Adam, even as he hid behind a pillow in protest. Brian didn't mind. He had plenty of time. Adam was stuck with him for life.


End file.
